The Humour Columns

 

The cat must go

WARNING - Cat fanciers are advised to read no further. What follows could offend you. The newspaper takes no responsibility for the opinions and comments made here. Neither does Mr. Meharg, who quite frankly, probably can't even spell responsibility let alone know what it means.
It was a bright, sunny day.

I was in my suburban glory, pushing a state-of-the-art, front-wheel-drive lawn mower around my glorious green space, its politically-correct mulching blade slicing up a nutritious layer of future loam.

I made a quick turn.

My foot slipped in something.

The mower coughed to a stop as my hand slid from the safety release on the handle. I stared down at the lawn.

There was a patch of brown.

A smelly patch of brown.

And now there was a smelly patch of brown on my shoe.

That blasted cat had left me another little message.

There's a cat in my neighborhood which seems quite attached to my property, because it's here that he consistently performs his most personal of duties.

I'm quite sure from the prodigious production littering the grass my homestead is alone in his attentions. Either that, or my feline friend is in dire need of some kitty imodium.

My wife, although not a friend of felines, has tried to defend this animal, which lives at a neighboring home. She says that cats are usually fastidious animals and don't leave such messes, suggesting a dog as the probable culprit.

I've seen no dogs around here. I've only seen that cat.

Why he has picked my property is a mystery, but then, who knows why cats do anything.

That's one of the reasons I hate cats. I never know what they're thinking but always get an impression that whatever it is, it's not nice. They have a look that says, "You know, if I was about five feet taller and had opposable thumbs, you'd probably be the idiot drinking out of a dish."

TIP ON MAKING YOUR CAT A BETTER PET - Sell it and buy a dog.
And their arrogance is beyond belief. I'm convinced that when a cat dies, it's reincarnated as a French maitre de.. My father has a cat, which whenever I visit, treats me as if I was the one prone to piddle on the floor. Even if I try to make some friendly gesture, like reach down to pet it, the pompous little beast will turn its backside towards me, give it a haughty shake, and slink insolently away.
FAVORITE CAT RECIPE - Cat Pate - Ingredients: 1 cat, 1 steamroller.
Cat fans try to make excuses for this arrogance by claiming that the creatures are extremely intelligent. There are no grounds for this claim.. They have no sensible language, no grasp of monetary systems or show no evidence of any kind of coherent thought process. Although the same could be said of politicians, at least our government leaders don't claw up the furniture.
CAT HISTORICAL FACT - Ancient Egyptians once worshiped cats as divine creatures. The ancient Egyptian culture is now dead. Coincidence?
As a matter of fact, I only know of one cat that learned to do a trick. Although this kitty performs this trick consistently, and without error, there is still one little problem.

He's doing it all over my lawn!