I know I'm supposed to be funny and mirthful in this column, but there's just something I have to get off my chest. 

 Judging from last Thursday's Sound Off phone-in feature, many readers who object to gun control have not had their convictions shaken by the horror which struck Littleton, Colo. this week. 

 They are obviously good, God-fearing people, and like everyone else, I'm sure they're feeling the pain we all share after this atrocity. 
           
 I have a little anti-stress exercise they might want to try. 

 Get up right now and head to the kitchen. I mean it. Right now. Stand up and walk into the kitchen.

 Head for the pantry, the kitchen cupboards, the shed down by the creek, or wherever it is you store your canned goods. That's right. 
 
 Now reach up and pull down that big can of beans. No, not the little one. Grab that big 32-ouncer.

 Excellent!. Now hold it firmly and start smacking it over your head you half-wit! If it's too difficult, call. I'd be happy to come over to help. 

 To maintain that gun-control is not an issue in the Littleton calamity, you either have to be a moronic dolt incapable of reading the name tags stitched to your plastic underwear or you're a gun-totin', Bambi killin', "I got a gun rack across the back of my Dodge pick em up truck" member of the National Redneck Association - otherwise known as the NRA.

 And what was the NRA response to the Columbine High nightmare? Shooter prez Chuck Heston descended from Mount Mindless this time to suggest that if there had been more armed guards in the school at the time, they would have been able to nip the whole thing in the bud.

 More guns mean more security.

 If you're the kind of person who buys into that kind of vapid logic, I'd like to suggest that you keep that can of beans flailing. Otherwise, you'd have no use at all for that rattling gourd of hair and skin on top of your neck.

 I suppose if all of the students in the school had been packing heat, they might have been able to take care of the situation themselves, but from my view, a society ruled by bloodletting is perhaps not the best approach to take in tackling the wide-ranging problems that fester into this kind of evil. 

 And there are a lot of issues involved, but the best place to start is to get rid of the guns. 

 Oh, I know gun fans will say that bad people will always be able to get guns. But is that any reason to make it easier for them? 

           And I know the riflemen also say it's not fair to punish good gun owners for the bad things criminals do with guns. Not fair? Tell that to the parents of the dead students in Littleton.

           I guess I should apologize now if my rant has offended anyone. I suppose I shouldn't paint all anti-gun control people in such a bad light. I'm sure they have very reasoned arguments for their beliefs, and that any progress in this controversial area could only be hampered by the kind of vitriol and personal attack I've just spouted.

 So, again, I apologize. 

 You jerks.