computertemp

The Humour Columns

And you may quote me . . .

"Many maxims of the most famous writers of our language, and numberless curious and happy turns from orators and poets, have knocked at the door, and it was hard to deny them."

John Bartlett, 1891,

Bartlett's Familiar Quotations

I like a good quote.

For a pompous and arrogant know-nothing, whose intellectual power could be challenged by a slug, amoeba or Tory policy-maker, a good quote is usually the only way to avoid being unmasked as a complete buffoon.

If you have nothing intelligent to say, then quote someone.

"I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation."

George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950),

Anglo-Irish playwright, critic

They're great conversation padding. Let's face it. The art of conversation has gone the way of the 25-cent draft beer (there's probably a relationship there) so anything that fills the verbal vacuum is usually welcome relief.

"Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while."

Kin Hubbard (1868-1930).

American journalist

There are proper and improper ways to employ quotes. Like guns, they are very powerful tools which can be used for good or evil. But as far as I know, no one has yet tried to knock over a liquor store with a copy of Bartlett's Familiar Quotations in hand.

"It is a mean thief, or a successful author, that plunders the dead.

Austin O'Malley (1858-1932)

American author

While requiring little cleverness on the part of the user, the use of quotations often demands a compendious memory which hearers can sometimes confuse with intelligence. When "a quoter" lacks both wit and recall, however, they have been known to actually manufacture quotations.

"Yipes!!"

Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

at the Battle of Waterloo (1815)

And sometimes, they'll toss in a quote that, in only the most tangential way, has anything to do at all with the current conversation.

"I have finally come to the conclusion that a good reliable set of bowels is worth more to a man than any quantity of brains."

Josh Billings (1818-1885)

American humorist

Fortunately for me, a hapless hack bereft of both sagacity and recollection (but still equipped with some of the best gastric hardware human kind has achieved), technology has come to the rescue. My computer is outfitted with a wonderful program which, at the mere touch of a button, can bring up a universe of quotations from wise men living and dead. Type in any word or phrase and immediately words from some of the greatest minds our world has produced flow across the screen expounding on whatever subject was offered.

Once again science has found a new way for mankind to be stupid.