Don't bother calling for the next two months

     According to a recent survey, human beings have sex once every 3.3 days.

     And according to the same survey, Canadians, being Canadians, managed to achieve the average.

     So that means the typical Canadian has sex 112 times a year.

     If that's true, my wife and I are in for one heck of a time for the next couple of months.

     We'd better book some holidays.

    My boss is always after me to take time off during the nasty months that run from November through February, but I'm always beefing that there's nothing to do then. All the neat places are frozen over - the golf courses are closed, the beaches are iced and it takes too long to go anywhere because you have to put on seven layers of clothes.

    But maybe I've found something else to do.

    And it doesn't need a lot of clothes.

    Except maybe for costumes.

    This massive survey of 10,000 people in 14 countries was undertaken by condom manufacturer Durex and I suppose prying into the bedroom habits of humans can be considered appropriate within the corporate interest, but I can't help feeling that the people doing this study suddenly found themselves taking some kind of, well - special interest - in this particular project.

"And so, after the handcuffs are on, what do you do then?

"And when do the gymnastics rings come into play?"
 

"Do you have pictures?"
 

    The study determined that the French are the most sexually active nation (there's a shock), where people make love 151 times a year, just edging out those randy Americans, who clocked in at 148.

    Of course all that means is that Canadians are more truthful than either the French or the Americans.

    The Americans also lied about their stamina, clocking their average time for each session at 25.3 minutes, beating out Canadians who probably truthfully reported an average time of 24.4 minutes.

     However, I think Canadians probably spent most of that time feeling guilty about what they were doing.

    Anyway, at times like that, who's watching the clock?

    Certainly not the folks in Hong Kong, where sex was infrequent and quickly dispensed with in about 12.3 minutes.

    Durex blamed Hong Kong's work ethic - that people were too tired for sex. But you have to give them credit. At least they made the effort.

    Today I put in a 11-hour work day, came home and made supper (all right, it was a frozen pizza, but it was still supper), made reconciliation at the bank over some bills, wrote this column and now I'm about to reinstall the system software for my computer because the machine has been acting weird.

    My wife started her workday at 7 a.m., put in her 8 hours, came home, worked at her home business until the pizza got hot.

    We aren't feeling very sexy right now.

    I think it was T.S. Elliot who said that the East shall shake the West awake.

    Don't wake me too early.